When I was born I had an issue with my eyes, they were crossed. I had not realized how much this was an issue to me in acceptance of myself until recently. Everyone has things about themselves that they want to change or don't like, but to have what we consider a "birth defect" is a whole different issue. If we have gained too much weight we can choose to lose it, but if we were born with something that is ours for a lifetime barring doctor intervention then it is a whole different level of self acceptance or self rejection.
At the age of two I had several surgeries to "free" my eyes from over active muscles, to be able to see ahead, the surgery coupled with eyeglasses allowed me to almost see like other people do. Recently my mother told me that when I was a baby in her arms she was not even able to tell if I was looking at her or not. That is not just a little crossed, that is a major issue!
I believe that even when we think that our "soul self" isn't aware of a problem, our "spirit self" is very aware. I'm sure there were many comments and a lot of conversations about my eyes and how wrong or unacceptable they were, both from family and friends to doctors and nurses. Now as an adult I don't remember all that I went through with doctor appointments, diagnostics, surgeries, hospital stays or words spoken by family and friends when I was two years old, but my spirit does.
That is when self rejection started, from there comments, insults and emotional injuries just confirmed what my spirit had already come to believe. I had branded myself as a reject and many events in my life showed me what a reject I was. When starting with this type of life foundation of who I was, or how I perceived myself, I found everything to say "you don't measure up", "you're not as good as everyone else", "you are different", "you are defective".
What many people experience as a natural part of life's bumps and bruises was magnified through the lens of self rejection and the thick lenses of the glasses that I wore. A simple criticism from a parent or teacher was magnified in my spirit as rejection. Normal childhood conflicts emphasized to my spirit that I was an outsider, a reject from the other kids.
Even though I was never called "four eyes" I applied this name to myself after hearing it used for people who wore glasses (that was the rejection spirit planting itself yet deeper!). The name "four eyes" is a small issue compared to all of the jokes or stigmas of people with crossed eyes. Even as an adult now, I see many people who refuse to simply wear glasses, they resist being seen as a person that has to have the dreaded "glasses"! Why do we let ourselves see glasses as acceptable or unacceptable? Why aren't they just what they are, an aid for a better life? There are much worse things in life than having to wear glasses, but our society is very vain and we focus a great deal on our appearances!
(And let me say here that yes, I know there are different levels of things that people have to go through in their lives, some of those much, much worse than being born with "crossed-eyes", but I can only speak from my experiences and let others speak from theirs.)
To go on with my writing and healing assignment, let me add that as all people experience in life there were people that I encountered that made me feel my shortcomings even more so. I could go through sharing many things and times that made deep scars on my spirit and added to the foundation of rejection that I had started my life with, but the main point of this writing is not to share all of the pain, but to see that sometimes when you think you are dealing with one issue you may just be dealing with the symptoms of the "issue".
Yes, I never satisfied my parent's expectations,...yes, other children didn't accept a girl wearing glasses(and sadly even in adults this is an issue!), yes,..I developed scoliosis and had to wear a back brace(that really multiplied the rejection issue!),.. yes, I wasn't a straight A student,..yes, I was socially challenged(and still am for that matter!),...yes, I adopted a rebellious attitude towards life,... yes I became very strong willed and independent, and smilingly I have to admit that I have had a lot of things that God has been dealing with in my spirit.
I smile because He is such a loving Father, and He has worked on each of my "issues" in a loving and patient way. His Holy Spirit has brought each item out of my "closet" and shown them to me in a loving way. He started with smaller things, working His way to the bigger more complex problems. I'm sure He will bring out more for me to face, but rejection is a big, big problem, not just for me, but for many. How many careless words have started a spirit of rejection in a small child or baby? Just a suggestion here, please be careful of your words, they can build up or tear down, purpose to only build up!
For this to be the cleansing, healing exercise that it is supposed to be, I want to say that even though I was born cross-eyed I was not an accident or mistake, I have been wonderfully and fearfully made. I am made in the image of my Father, Yahweh, by His very hands! Knit together in my mother's womb by Him!
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—You’re breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
You know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, You watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before You,
The days of my life all prepared
before I’d even lived one day.
you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—You’re breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
You know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, You watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before You,
The days of my life all prepared
before I’d even lived one day.
Psalm 139:14-15
The Message
Even though there are many people that like to make fun of people that they deem to be physically less perfect than themselves, they are wrong! God is not a respecter of persons and I am just as loved and carefully molded as them or any model strutting her stuff down the fashion runway, and just as blessed as any financially well off person that gets in their high dollar car and goes for an unrestrained shopping trip through an exclusive shopping mall, or their personal jet to head for some exclusive five star resort! My Father is a King! I am His precious daughter of joy! And if you belong to Him you can claim this royal standing also! Not just for now, but through eternity! Do you know how long eternity is? It's way more than the 80 years or so that most people can expect to live on Earth! Accept God's view of you, not man's~
