Rejection, Rebellion, Freedom, Healing (2011)

     Edited and Reposted from the original March 9, 2011 writing

     In a class that I'm currently taking, "Breaking Free" (which works hand in hand with the "Healing Heart" class that I'm also enrolled in) I thought I was making some good progress in "Breaking Free" after the first week! 

     After each class the first week I was anxious to jump into the homework and start getting that Spiritual Freedom that I had been longing for, my class was on Tuesday, I did my homework within the next couple of days and by Friday when I went to church, I had finished it. 

     I was glad I had done the work and thought that I had gained some ground through the forgiveness for both, people and things in my life that I had worked through. Friday at church I realized how much ground I had taken back from the enemy! As we were singing praise (which seems to be the prime time for my encounters with God, Abba) I felt the presence of God settle around me, I started bowing down, not by a decision I made mentally, but my body started reacting to the weight of His presence that I felt around me. I was bowing lower and lower until almost doubling over, then I moved to my knees. Once on my knees, I felt a heat build around my heart and then a fire with a quick intensity. It didn't last long, but I knew my heart had been cleansed, God's cleansing fire had cleaned me of the things (memories, hurts, accusations, opinions) that I had been harboring before I went through the forgiveness steps. Soon my knees weren't even low enough and I knew my spirit wouldn't be able to rest until I was as low as humanly possible to get before God, I was on the floor, flat on my face, completely submitted. Then I found the peace I was looking for. I was totally His, no holding back.

     Now in the third week of class, I thought I had been through the larger part of the process. I had known about forgiveness and had already practiced it for a long time. As we studied forgiveness in class, this was a breeze, I could and would freely give my forgiveness, even to the point of previously being in abusive relationships and forgiving things that should have been dealt with. Being asked to forgive someone was like kryptonite, I lost all of the power from "anger" and forgave freely. 

     But then we went through a step I hadn't expected, Being in two classes meant I wasn't looking ahead in either class, I was doing good to keep my homework completed for both and I think it was a good thing that I was unprepared, it made it easier to go through the next part. The lesson was a part about two strongholds Rejection/Rebellion that can take root in your life, it starts with Shame/Fear/Control, a cycle that once started is hard to break. During our class after learning the technical parts, we went through steps to free ourselves from this stronghold in our lives. I was going through the "steps" and repeating all of the words as instructed and was totally blind-sided when the Holy Spirit showed me where I had opened the door for an ungodly belief in my life. In relationships I have always dealt with rejection, I thought it was because I wasn't good at small talk or I was too opinionated or I had any number of reasons, but I was being shown that in truth I had a spirit of rejection. Everywhere I went I took my own rejection with me. Whatever happened to me, I saw it through the filter of "rejection". Of course, being a woman of a certain age, I've done some introspection and self-healing and thought I had dealt with parent/sibling/criticism/verbal abuse/you name it issues. This night in class I had a light shined on an area of my life that I didn't even realize was an issue, until God's spotlight hit it.

     While in Junior High School, it was discovered that I had very significant scoliosis(a curvature of the spine), as the first result of that discovery, it was required that I do exercises daily such as having a head harness put on and then being tugged up to a bar at the top of a door by my parents(until they decided I should pull it myself) to try to stretch my back straight, then I was supposed to lay on the floor while my legs were actually pulled to try to "straighten" me out too. Well, I wasn't that easily straightened, so the next step was a body brace. I was measured and "my" back brace was created just for me, yippee! My brace consisted of three bars, two in the back and one in front that ran from a large leather form(about 6 inches) that fit around my body at hip level and up to bars that ran around my neck, holding my head up with pads against my chin and the back of my head. There were two straps inside of this contraption of torture that was to pull my backbone straight from opposite sides. I describe it in detail so you can visualize how uncomfortable this was for a young girl to endure at the time of life that she is so much trying to fit in with the other kids in school, but also so you can imagine how physically uncomfortable the brace was. 

     This brace was my undoing. I had gone through eye surgery, and wearing glasses from the age of 2, a childhood of never having a report card that was acceptable, being the third child of four(this carries its own share of challenges), dealing with shyness, every effort never measuring up, you name it and I shared it with a great deal of our society, but when I had to wear this brace and walk down the halls at school I was humiliated to the point that I rejected myself. 

     Imagine at the age you would most like to be able to disappear from sight that you are put on public display in a metal cage that stretched you out, holding your head high with nowhere to hide. Other girls were laughing and planning to go to dances, I was the girl that had metal rods around me and holes in her dresses from where her metal brace would bump against the desk until the fabric was worn out, I was the girl that woke up years later having nightmares that she was still in the brace. That is when I gave ground to the enemy. That is when I chose to believe all of the messages that the spirit of rejection delivers. I was not acceptable! I was a reject! 

     All of that period in my life I had stuffed away and never thought about or spoken of. Not until this class. As we went through the steps to face our rejection/rebellion issues all of this flooded into my consciousness and I was completely caught by surprise. In the process of breaking free, we were led to ask Jesus where He was during this time (each person had their own times that they were dealing with and we spoke to Jesus silently). I asked Him and He showed me that He walked beside me, with His head held high, just like I had(but while He held His head high in courage, I held mine high in bluff and besides with that brace, I had no choice!). He showed me that when He was led through the streets carrying His cross that He felt much more rejection than I had endured walking down the halls at school, I even argued that He only had to do that once, I had to go through mine every day, over and over. He showed me that through this time of being an outcast from all of the things that a junior high girl thinks is important (acceptance, beauty, popularity, dresses, boys) that He was creating in me the ability to walk outside of peoples acceptance or disapproval. He showed me that this was when I had made the choice to believe all of the previous rejection messages that I had fought off before and that in so doing I had developed a rebellious spirit to escape the other issues in my life of not being able to live up to parental or teacher demands, but that scoliosis and the brace was something I couldn't escape through rebellion. I was shown that this was when I deemed myself unacceptable and rejected my own self,

     Now in our class, I was crying, reliving the humiliation, the hurt, the rejection of those days. The fact that I rejected myself was even worse than dealing with the rejection of the kids I went to school with, I betrayed myself, now it was time to forgive myself. I am praying for grace for the healing of this Soul/Spirit wound. The scab has been pulled off and now it will heal, I will be doing my homework and examining ungodly beliefs that I have let develop because of the rejection I had allowed in. 

(The Lord is having me go back and tweak all of my writings, in reading this blog entry to edit it, I have also realized that I betrayed God in not accepting who I was and instead found myself someone that was worthy of rejection, my faith should have been in Him, not in my acceptance by those around me. There's always more to learn!)

Hurt=Rejection=Self-Centered=Easily Offended (Part 1)

     I'm not looking forward to this blog entry, but it is still on my heart to write and share. God, Abba, my father has given me this assignment of study, understanding and writing to help me come to terms with my feelings of rejection, both real and imagined, so this is a cathartic writing. I have been feeling conviction that my "sensitive nature" or another way of saying it "easily offended" nature, needs to be dealt with! With the help of a man of God, and his ministry, that is willing to be instruments of God I have been shown the root problem is not so much my sensitive nature, but is  "hurt" that I've received. I have been hurt in life and I need to deal with it in order to not focus on my own feelings and needs. Properly healed I will be able to focus on others, their needs and not just my own feelings! I am looking forward to the new freedom and wholeness that will come with this healing!
     When I was born I had an issue with my eyes, they were crossed. I had not realized how much this was an issue to me in acceptance of myself until recently. Everyone has things about themselves that they want to change or don't like, but to have what we consider a "birth defect" is a whole different issue. If we have gained too much weight we can choose to lose it, but if we were born with something that is ours for a lifetime barring doctor intervention then it is a whole different level of self acceptance or self rejection.
     At the age of two I had several surgeries to "free" my eyes from over active muscles, to be able to see ahead, the surgery coupled with eyeglasses allowed me to almost see like other people do. Recently my mother told me that when I was a baby in her arms she was not even able to tell if I was looking at her or not. That is not just a little crossed, that is a major issue!
     I believe that even when we think that our "soul self" isn't aware of a problem, our "spirit self" is very aware. I'm sure there were many comments and a lot of conversations about my eyes and how wrong or unacceptable they were, both from family and friends to doctors and nurses. Now as an adult I don't remember all that I went through with doctor appointments, diagnostics, surgeries, hospital stays or words spoken by family and friends when I was two years old, but my spirit does.
     That is when self rejection started, from there comments, insults and emotional injuries just confirmed what my spirit had already come to believe. I had branded myself as a reject and many events in my life showed me what a reject I was. When starting with this type of life foundation of who I was, or how I perceived myself,  I found everything to say "you don't measure up", "you're not as good as everyone else", "you are different", "you are defective".
     What many people experience as a natural part of life's bumps and bruises was magnified through the lens of self rejection and the thick lenses of the glasses that I wore. A simple criticism from a parent or teacher was magnified in my spirit as rejection. Normal childhood conflicts emphasized to my spirit that I was an outsider, a reject from the other kids.
     Even though I was never called "four eyes" I applied this name to myself after hearing it used for people who wore glasses (that was the rejection spirit planting itself yet deeper!). The name "four eyes" is a small issue compared to all of the jokes or stigmas of people with crossed eyes. Even as an adult now, I see many people who refuse to simply wear glasses, they resist being seen as a person that has to have the dreaded "glasses"! Why do we let ourselves see glasses as acceptable or unacceptable? Why aren't they just what they are, an aid for a better life? There are much worse things in life than having to wear glasses, but our society is very vain and we focus a great deal on our appearances!
     (And let me say here that yes, I know there are different levels of things that people have to go through in their lives, some of those much, much worse than being born with "crossed-eyes", but I can only speak from my experiences and let others speak from theirs.)
     To go on with my writing and healing assignment, let me add that as all people experience in life there were people that I encountered that made me feel my shortcomings even more so. I could go through sharing many things and times that made deep scars on my spirit and added to the foundation of rejection that I had started my life with, but the main point of this writing is not to share all of the pain, but to see that sometimes when you think you are dealing with one issue you may just be dealing with the symptoms of the "issue".
     Yes, I never satisfied my parent's expectations,...yes, other children didn't accept a girl wearing glasses(and sadly even in adults this is an issue!), yes,..I developed scoliosis and had to wear a back brace(that really multiplied the rejection issue!),.. yes, I wasn't a straight A student,..yes, I was socially challenged(and still am for that matter!),...yes, I adopted a rebellious attitude towards life,... yes I became very strong willed and independent, and smilingly I have to admit that I have had a lot of things that God has been dealing with in my spirit.
     I smile because He is such a loving Father, and He has worked on each of my "issues" in a loving and patient way. His Holy Spirit has brought each item out of my "closet" and shown them to me in a loving way. He started with smaller things, working His way to the bigger more complex problems. I'm sure He will bring out more for me to face, but rejection is a big, big problem, not just for me, but for many. How many careless words have started a spirit of rejection in a small child or baby? Just a suggestion here, please be careful of your words, they can build up or tear down, purpose to only build up!

For this to be the cleansing, healing exercise that it is supposed to be, I want to say that even though I was born cross-eyed I was not an accident or mistake, I have been wonderfully and fearfully made. I am made in the image of my Father, Yahweh, by His very hands! Knit together in my mother's womb by Him!

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—You’re breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
You know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, You watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before You,
The days of my life all prepared
before I’d even lived one day.

Psalm 139:14-15

The Message

  

      Even though there are many people that like to make fun of people that they deem to be physically less perfect than themselves, they are wrong! God is not a respecter of persons and I am just as loved and carefully molded as them or any model strutting her stuff down the fashion runway, and just as blessed as any financially well off person that gets in their high dollar car and goes for an unrestrained shopping trip through an exclusive shopping mall, or their personal jet to head for some exclusive five star resort! My Father is a King! I am His precious daughter of joy! And if you belong to Him you can claim this royal standing also! Not just for now, but through eternity! Do you know how long eternity is? It's way more than the 80 years or so that most people can expect to live on Earth! Accept God's view of you, not man's~